Repairing Relationships
Ephesians 4:31-32
We have walked along the road to recovery - and we've noted that this road is not an easy one - and today will be no exception. In fact, I believe this could very well be the second most difficult step in the whole process - second to realizing your life is out of control and you need a Savior. So, before we begin, I want to pray for this time together. Though this is difficult, it is the best road to take. (Pray)
This morning I want to talk to you about the next step in the process, which is noted by the second E in the acrostic RECOVERY. You see the main points that we've already talked about in your notes. Here is the sixth step in the road to recovery: E - Evaluate all my relationships, offer forgiveness to those who've hurt me and make amends for harm I've done to others except when to do so would harm them or others.
I want to focus on two main verses of Scripture in Paul's letter to the Ephesian church. The context of these verses is an admonition for believers to put off the old man (sin and selfishness) and put on the new man (holiness).
Ephesians 4:31-32
4:31 Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice.
4:32 And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God in Christ forgave you.
I want you to see two main points from our statement and text,
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Forgive those that have hurt you vv 31-32a
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Before forgiveness can take place, there must first be some housecleaning. Remember that Paul's readers are believers. He's not talking to pagans. I want you to see these vices that Paul mentions and then what he tells us to do.
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Bitterness-Smoldering resentment, unwillingness to forgive, harsh feeling, every form of irritability, every inward resentful disposition against others, and hardness of spirit.
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Wrath- rapid boiling up and furious outburst of temper into passionate expression.
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Anger-Grouchiness, animosity, hostility.
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Clamor-Loud outcries of anger, bawling, angry bickering, shouting down of opponents.
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Evil speaking-Insulting language, slander, abusive speech.
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Malice-Wishing evil on others, spite, meanness.1
That's a pretty atrocious list isn't it? But notice what Paul says. Let all of these things "be put away from you." All these sins are to be put away or, literally, taken away. In the language of the New Testament, this is what is called an aorist imperative, which means that this is to be a one-time decisive act if the Holy Spirit is not to be grieved. We must make a decision to put these sins away.2 If all you say is, "Yeah, I need to do that sometime… yeah, maybe I'll get around to it one of these days…" you'll never put them away and these vices will be like a boa constrictor around the neck of your spiritual life and will strangle you more with each passing day.
And then we find in verse 32 where Paul says, "be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another…." "The word "forgive" is built on the same root as the word "grace" and means to bestow favor unconditionally. This means that a Christian will always treat the offending party graciously, letting the wrong go without any claim for punishment or reparation. It means pardoning the guilty person instead of displaying resentment or exercising retaliation. Forgiveness is not probation (merely suspending the sentence under supervision and specific conditions). Forgiveness is not a reprieve (temporarily postponing the punishment). Forgiveness results in complete reconciliation and restored fellowship."3 Let's ask a couple of questions regarding this forgiving of others.
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Why forgive? Let me give three reasons, and I'm sure we could add to the list:
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Resentment doesn't work. Let me give you some verses that prove this point: One of those that spoke with Job may have been wrong in some of his statements, but he was right in this (Job 18:4), "You're only hurting yourself with your anger." Proverbs 27:4, "Wrath is cruel and anger a torrent…." Solomon, at the end of his life said (Ecclesiastes 7:9b GNB), "It is foolish to harbor a grudge." James wrote (1:19-20), "My beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath; for the wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God." Let me say it again: resentment doesn't work. It will cause you to say foolish things and do foolish things.
And all the while, the person that you're angry, bitter, resentful towards is not bothered. Anger hurts no one but you. Somebody may have hurt you ten, twenty, thirty years ago, and you're still resentful about it. It's still making you miserable; they've forgotten it. Resentment cannot change the past, cannot correct the problem, it doesn't change the person, it doesn't even hurt that person, it only hurts you. It makes you miserable. Does it make you feel any better? I've never talked to anybody who's been resentful and they say, "I feel so much better being resentful." Bitterness just makes you mad and unhappy. The most unhappy people I know are those who are carrying a grudge.
Research has shown that the unhealthiest emotion people have is resentment. It's like a cancer that eats you alive: it's a deadly poison. It has physical consequences. Have you ever said, "That guy is a pain in the neck?" He may be. That may be the cause of your pain in the neck. I heard about a guy that went to the doctor and said, "I need some more pills for my colitis." The doctor said, "Who you colliding with now?" I am sure that there is more than enough research that shows that the greatest causes of physical problems in life are not what we eat, but what eats at us.
Resentment also has emotional consequences. It can lead to depression. It can lead to additional stress. It can lead to fatigue, because nothing drains you emotionally like bitterness. Thinking of that person, that former girlfriend, boyfriend, former husband or wife, teacher who embarrassed you in school or parent who never told you they love you, that person you were dating then just dropped you and never said anything about it, you hold all that. It drains your body of energy. It prolongs the hurt. You need to forgive those that hurt you, for your own sake. Why forgive?
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Because God has forgiven me. In fact, that's what Paul brings to mind with his readers in verse 32. If God has forgiven me I should forgive other people. This point we forget so easily. If we realized the horrific nature of our sin and we realize what it cost God in order for Him to say that He was not only willing but able to forgive our sin, this would make it much easier for us to forgive others. I want you to understand that you will never have to forgive anybody more than God has already forgiven you. When you have a hard time forgiving other people it's usually because you don't feel forgiven, because people who feel forgiven find it easier to be forgiving. People who feel unforgiven find it difficult to forgive others. You need to realize if God has forgiven us then we need to forgive other people. God's forgiveness is free, full, and final.4 Why forgive?
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Because I need forgiveness. Listen to Mark 11:25-26: "And whenever you stand praying, if you have anything against anyone, forgive him, that your Father in heaven may also forgive you your trespasses. But if you do not forgive, neither will your Father in heaven forgive your trespasses." Do any other reasons for forgiving need to be given? This one is enough! When you and I harbor resentment believer, we're not being forgiven of our sin. We can't receive what we are unwilling to give. It's dangerous to pray that part of the model prayer. "Forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors." "Lord, forgive me as much as I forgive everybody else." Do you really want that? Forgiveness is a two-way street. But,
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How do I forgive? Do I just say, "Oh, I forgive them," and you never have to deal with it again? Probably not. Maybe this will help.
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Reveal your hurt. Admit it. Let it out. Face it. Be honest. You can't get over hurt until you admit it hurt. I don't know why, but we don't want to admit the times that people we love have hurt us. We have a misunderstanding that you can't love somebody and be angry at them at the same time. You can.
Beware of denial. What does that look like? You're asked if you have forgiven so and so. "Sure have. But don't expect me to help them out if they get in a pinch…. I don't wish them any ill will, but it might not be so bad if they get dealt to them what they dealt to me…." Listen, you must reveal the hurt and call it like it is. Again, do not make excuses for yourself or for the offending party. Don't talk in code. You can't forgive what you don't want to own up to. You were hurt, offended, left high and dry. Admit it and put it down on paper.
Think about this. You have three options when it comes to hurt:
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Repress it-just pretend it doesn't exist, ignore it-push it out of the way. That never works. It always pops out in some other form of compulsion in your life.
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Suppress it - just say, "It's no big deal, it doesn't matter, they did the best they could." No they didn't. It hurt.
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Confess it - admit it. You may say, "I'd really like to close the door on my past. I'd like to get closure so this person doesn't hurt me anymore." Great; but there is no closure without disclosure. First you must admit it, reveal it, own up and say, "That hurt. And it was wrong."
So, make a list of those that have hurt you, what they said, what they did, what they thought, and put it down on paper and get it in black and white so you can look at it. It's not this fuzzy thing that I resent, but it's a specific. Is it a teacher who embarrassed you; a parent who said, "You'll never amount to anything and you're a failure"? Is it a former relationship that was unfaithful to you? Write it down and you reveal your hurt.
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Release the offender. Stop holding onto the hurt. Let them go. How do you release them? Forgive them. It's the only way you can release them. You don't wait for them to ask for forgiveness. You do it whether they ask for forgiveness or not, because you're doing it, not for their sake, not even for your sake, but for Christ's! Why? Because God has forgiven you and you show that you're forgiven by forgiving.
I am convinced that a number of supposed physical ailments would probably go away if there were a genuine commitment to forgive. I'm convinced that some emotional struggles would dissolve if forgiveness were present! You have no idea of what can happen in your life when you let go of the people who have been hurting you.
"Well preacher, how often do I have to do it?" Peter asked Jesus that question and here is what He said, "Not seven times but seventy times seven times." And by the way, if you're keeping count and you're up to number 473, you probably haven't forgiven the first time. Jesus is declaring that it must be continuous. Forgiveness is not a one-shot deal where you say, "I forgive 'em," and that's it. Because those feelings are going to come back, and every time you get those feelings you've got to forgive them again. "Will it ever go away, Brian?" Yes, it will. How long will it take? I'm not sure, but I do know it will happen. God's grace is more than sufficient. Rely on Him. And here's how you know when you have fully released that offender: you can think about them and it doesn't hurt anymore; you can pray for God's blessing on their life; you can begin to look at understanding their hurt, rather than focusing on how they hurt you, because hurt people, hurt people.
As I shared in the main statement, for some people that have hurt you; it may not be the best thing to go to them and say that you forgive them. At other times it is impossible - they died, or you don't know where they have moved to. What about those times? Let me give you a couple of practical suggestions:
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The empty-chair technique. Get a chair and set it down in a room and sit there by yourself and imagine that person in the chair and say, "I need to say some things to you. Here's how you hurt me" and you lay it out. "You hurt me this way, this way, this way. But I want you to know I forgive you because God has forgiven me and because resentment doesn't work and because I need to forgive as I've been forgiven. I am releasing you." You say it to the chair.
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Write a letter that you never mail. Put it in black and white, "This is how you hurt me." You've been carrying it so long, you need to unload it and let it out in a letter. At the end say, "But starting today I forgive you because God has forgiven me and because resentment doesn't work and because I need to forgive as I've been forgiven." Do it not only for your own sake, but for our Lord's sake. Release them so you can experience freedom.
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Replace my hurt with God's peace. Paul said to the Colossians (3:15), "Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts." How? "It's unfair. If I forgive them they'll get away scot free." No they won't. Let God settle the score. He can do a whole lot better job than you can. The Bible says, one day God is going to settle the score and He's going to call in accounts and He's going to balance the books, and one day He's going to have the last word. So let God have the last word on that. Vengeance is His, not ours.
Bitterness in the heart makes us treat others the way Satan treats them, when we should treat others the way God has treated us. Focus on God's peace rather than trying to get even. Let the peace of God rule in your heart. The fact is relationships can tear your heart into pieces. But God can glue those pieces back together and surround it and cover it with His peace over your pieces. Release those who hurt you so God can do some repair in your heart.
I can't stress to you just how important it is that forgiveness be a part of our lives. We talk about getting rid of the bad things. If nothing fills that void, something will. We must understand that forgiveness must fill that void so that there will be no vacuum in our lives.5 Remove the natural vices and replace them with the supernatural virtues. There's a second point I want you to see,
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Make amends with those that you have hurt v 32b
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We've been hurt, but we have also hurt. We've hurt God - that's what sin is - a hurt against God. We've sinned against others. So we need to make amends.
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Why make amends? The writer of Hebrews put it like this (Hebrews 12:14-15), "Pursue peace with all people, and holiness, without which no one will see the Lord: looking carefully… lest any root of bitterness springing up cause trouble…." Bitterness causes immensely more trouble than anyone can realize. Are there unresolved relationships because you've hurt or offended? You must deal with them if you're ever going to be the person that God wants you to be and enjoy the peace He meant for you to have in the first place.
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How do I make amends with the people that have hurt me?
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Make a list of those I've harmed and what I did. Think of these questions here if you think you have a clean list: Is there anyone I owe a debt to that I haven't repaid? Is there anyone I've broken a promise to? Is there anyone I'm guilty of over controlling - a spouse; a child; a brother; an employee; a friend? Is there anyone I'm overly possessive of? Is there anyone I'm hypercritical of? Have I been verbally abusive to anybody? Or physically abusive? Or emotionally abusive? Is there anyone I have not appreciated or not paid attention to or forgotten an anniversary? Is there anyone I've been unfaithful to? Have I lied to anyone? After those questions, ask the Lord if there is anyone you have harmed. He'll show you.
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Think how I'd like someone to make amends to me. Jesus taught us in the Golden Rule (Luke 6:31), "Do to others as you'd have them do to you." So stop and think, "If someone were going to come and apologize to me how would I want it done?" Let me give you three issues to consider:
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Time. Ecclesiastes 8:6 says, "There's a right time and right way to do everything." Don't just drop a bomb on somebody. Don't just do it when they're rushing out the door or laying their head down on the pillow, "By the way I've got some stuff to deal with." Do it according to their time, not when it's best for you but when it's best for them.
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Attitude. Ephesians 4:15 says, "Speak the truth in love." How would you like somebody apologize to you? Privately with humility, with sincerity, to simply say what they did was wrong, to not make any justification for it, no excuses, not talk about your part, just assume responsibility. They may have had a part in the problem. But you're just trying to clear up your side of the ledger in this step. Don't try to justify your actions and focus only on your part and don't expect anything back from the person you're trying to make amends with.
Make restitution where possible. If you've borrowed something and not returned it, return it. If you owe somebody some money, pay it back. May the desire of our heart be that we have done everything possible to make amends with anybody that we have hurt. That's when we're free. Just ask Zacchaeus, the changed tax collector. He was willing to repay four fold those that he had stolen from. Why? He knew that was the right thing to do!
What about those things that you can't make restitution for? Understand something: Do not underestimate the power of a sincere apology. Go to that person at the right time, with the right attitude and say, "I'm sorry, I was wrong, I don't deserve your forgiveness, but is there any way I can make amends to you?" And leave it at that.
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Is it appropriate? Proverbs 12:18 says, "Thoughtless words can wound as deeply as any sword but wisely spoken words can heal." Again, there are some situations where it would be unwise to contact the one you've hurt. Remember the qualifier on this step is "except when to do so would harm them or others." In some situations you wouldn't want to go back to because it would just open up a whole can of worms and probably make the situation worse. You could harm them or harm an innocent party. If this is the case, use the empty chair technique or write the letter that you never send. But note this as well. Paul said (Romans 12:18), "If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone."
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Refocus my life. Don't allow others to control you because of your resentment towards them. Focus your life on Christ and living for Him. Follow these steps I've given to you this morning.
I want you to understand some good news this morning: God wants to deal with all that relational garbage in your life, but He knows when you can handle it so He takes it off one layer at a time. When you became a believer, you took that Step 3, a layer came off. As time goes on God wants to keep dealing with you, working with you, releasing you from hurts, habits and hang-ups. Today is another day, another step. I forgive those who've hurt me and make amends to those I've hurt. God wants to do a great work and even bring good out of the bad stuff in our lives. But will you let Him?